"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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