I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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