My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We are two peas in an std pod
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
