You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
