You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize