i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
