I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
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The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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