Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
