u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
