im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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