that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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