From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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