All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
