I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
