So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
