He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
