Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
