I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
