I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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