his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize