I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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