It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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