i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
