When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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