I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How external is "for external use only"?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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