Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
