you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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