i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
