I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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