I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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