im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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