Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
