i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
