actually, I'm a sock model
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Your dad touched me again.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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