He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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