Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
