it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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