a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
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