sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
