i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
