you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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