you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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