hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
