I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
