K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
