My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Sober January is a disaster.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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