Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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