I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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