easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
