I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
