We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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