took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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