I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
