I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
