I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
