he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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