dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
