If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
